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The program for the prestigious venue in Washington highlights a playful dual-language production and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Notably missing from the public events is Friday's global football draw, presumably because it is a exclusively private affair. Planners seem intent on prevent any uninvited guests from showing up at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory spectacle where well-paid luminaries will doubtlessly parrot the well-worn cliche that "football brings together the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Crew

The lavish event is due to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will preside over a ceremony that will undoubtedly have British football fans nostalgic for yearning for the halcyon, unpretentious days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the old draw system and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last almost three long hours, the event will include a staggering playlist of speechifying, saccharine video montages, approved gags, famous faces, musical turns from acts with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Draw Duty

Among those tasked with conducting the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, short of an armed snatch-squad storming the ceremony, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Actually, not much, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an overly deferential spokesperson is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are conscious of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The suggestion appeared that high prices are justified when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Main Event

With 42 countries already qualified for next summer's tournament and another six due to join, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their particular country will play in the group stages, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "individuals who help unite people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable actions." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the United States, speculation about the recipient are widespread, though the hints are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have absolutely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a manager whose side in the midst of a five-game winless run, providing a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an additional song?"